Steven Helmer Publications

The film Die Hard is a staple in my house. I think I put the movie on at least once per month, though by this point it has mostly just been as background noise with me only paying attention during the highlights. However, I put it on again last night and with nothing to distract me, did wind up paying attention to the whole film (or at least most of it). As I did, one thought popped into my head. Who was the inside man working with Hans Gruber ( Alan Rickman ) and his gang of terrorists? While the movie doesn't explicitly state there is someone withing the Nakatomi Corporation that is working with Gruber and his men, the evidence is there if you pay attention. First, the security in Nakatomi Plaza is atrocious, to the point it seems almost by design.  There is a lone security guard who doesn't check identification and a computerized directory that lists the names of everyone in the building. John McClane ( Bruce Willis ) was obviously the good guy in the film but could have ju...

Synopsis: After his brother dies from a gold addiction, Jack Spade is determined to stop the man responsible, Mr. Big. Unable to do it alone, he enlists help from a former crime fighter, John Slade, and his friends to take down Big's gold distribution. Things take a sinister turn, however, when Spade's sister-in-law and former girlfriend is taken hostage by Big's gang. Who's in it? The movie stars Keenan Ivory Wayans, Damon Wayans , Kim Wayans, Bernie Casey, Isaac Hayes and Jim Brown . Review: I took a night off from watching my daughter's community theater musical (my wife went with one of her friends so there was still someone in the audience). While at home in a quiet house, I decided to put on a movie and, because I noticed it was available, that ended up being I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.  I had seen this movie, which is a spoof of 70s exploitation films, before. However, it had been a long while and because of that, I wasn't sure if it would turn out t...

Synopsis: Hundreds of years after nuclear war, Colorado is now a matriarchal society ruled by female tribes, known as Frau, who kill and enslave the men. Two escapees, Korvis and Gruss form their own all-male tribe, educating and civilizing themselves with the help of children's books and fighting the women to free others. When the Frau gain a new Tiara (queen), Vena, Korvis attempts to use the Frau legend of the "Prezeedent" to get her alone and negotiate peace. However, Reya's second in command, Lakella, influenced by the leader of another tribe, decides to wipe out the men once and for all. Who's in it? The movie stars Chuck Wagner, Laurene Landon , William Wallace, Sue Giosa and Victoria Barrett. Review: I attended another one of my daughter's community theater performances last night and didn't have an opportunity to pick out this morning's movie in advance as a result of that. So, I pretty much went with the first film in my library that caugh...

Synopsis: After inheriting a house with a long history of death, Jim Royce decides to turn it into a boarding house for aspiring models and actresses, creating his own personal harem. Soon after, the violence returns and guests begin to die. Who's in it? The movie stars John Wintergate, Kalassu, Lindsay Freeman, Brian Bruderlin and Selma Kora. Review: My wife and I finally had a couple hours to ourselves yesterday evening and, after getting some loaded nachos from the local bowling alley, decided to watch a horror film. It had been a while since we last watched a 1980s slasher, so I ended up picking out Boardinghouse. I should have gone with a different movie. I think the best way to describe this film is it is so bad, it was hard to tell if it was supposed to be a legitimate horror movie or a spoof. Most of the characters were comically one dimensional, especially the women, who inexplicitly answered Jim's (Wintergate) super creepy advertisement in droves (how in the world ...

Synopsis: Three down-on-their luck men, Merle, Elliott and Frankie, have a drink at a bar and wind up stopping an armed robbery attempt. Their heroism is witnessed by advertising executive B. D. Tucker, who hires them on the spot to be the centerpiece of her advertising campaign for Norbecker Beer.  Her plan is successful, increasing beer sales and making the men overnight celebrities. However, the fame and Tucker's exploitation soon begin to take their toll. Who's in it? The movie stars Loretta Swit , Rip Torn , David Alan Grier , William Russ, Saul Stein and Kenneth Mars . Review: My daughter's community theater musical opens this week, which means late rehearsal nights. As a result, by the time I picked her up from the theater last night, I just didn't have time to scout out a movie for this morning. I ended up picking the first one that popped up in my library because of that and that movie was Beer . I remember seeing this movie when I was a kid but not a whole...

Synopsis: Music producer M. Harry Smilac is struggling financially while his lone client, a band known as Kick, remains un-booked. At first, there is no hope for his financial woes but, after a chance encounter with professional wrestler Rick Roberts, he decides to become a manager representing both Rick and his new tag team partner, Tonga Tom.  Smilac has almost immediate success, especially after bringing his team on the road and pairing them with Kick for a "Rock 'n Wrestling" show. However, his success draws the ire of rival manager Captain Lou Murano, leading to a showdown that pits Roberts and Tom against Murano's world champion Cannibals with the losing manager forced to leave the business. Who's in it? The movie stars Dirk Benedict , Roddy Piper , Sam Fatu, Lou Albano, Kellie Martin , T anya Roberts and Barry Gordon. Review: I forgot to pick out a movie to watch this morning and, with nothing else on top the list as a result, decided to finally take th...

Synopsis: After regularly losing to professional wrestling in the ratings, television executive Tom Brell creates a no-holds-barred tough guy competition. When his attempts to court the heavyweight champion, Rip Thomas fail, Brell resorts to extreme measures to force Rip to face his tough guy champion, Zeus and ultimately succeeds when Rip's younger brother, Randy is injured while attempting to fight Zeus himself. Who's in it? The movie stars Hulk Hogan , Kurt Fuller , Tom Lister Jr., Joan Severance and Mark Pellegrino. Review: I first/last watched No Holds Barred when I was a teenager and, while I couldn't remember a whole lot about the film, I did remember a lot of the promotional things that went with it, including Hulk Hogan facing Zeus (Lister) in a WWF (now WWE) tag team match. As an adult, those memories seem a bit goofy today. However, after re-watching the movie this morning, I honestly thought it was better than i was expecting. Hogan is, without a doubt, the ...

Synopsis: Three years after reluctantly assisting in a fraternity prank that sent a pledge to a mental hospital, a graduating Alana Maxwell joins her classmates at a New Years Eve costume party held on a train. What she doesn't know is one of the guests has murderous intentions. Who's in it? The movie stars Jamie Lee Curtis , Ben Johnson, David Copperfield, Hart Bochner and Derek McKinnon. Review: My wife has an almost child-like obsession with trains, and we both love horror films so, when I came across Terror Train last night, I decided to add it to the top of my list and watch it right away. Unfortunately, while this movie seemed to have quite a bit of potential, it did fall a bit short in my opinion. The overall premise isn't a bad one. The train provided a great setting, both because it was a confined space and because it was moving, making it much more difficult for the intended victims to escape. The costume party was a nice added touch as well because it both mad...

Synopsis: A brilliant but underachieving teenager attempts to use his home computer to hack a software company and steal their new games. Instead, he accidentally hacks a defense computer that is in charge of all the United States’ nuclear weapons and triggers a simulation that has the potential to cause World War III. Who's in it? The movie stars Matthew Broderick, Dabney Coleman , John Wood, Ally Sheedy, Barry Corbin and Dennis Lipscomb. Review: I wasn't sure what movie I wanted to watch this morning, so to be safe, I decided to go with something familiar. That ended up being one of my all-time favorites, WarGames . Even though I've seen this film many times, it still manages to be entertaining. The thing I really like about this movie is it is really two stories. The first, and obvious, one is about the dangers of computers in the wrong hands, something that is even a bit more relevant today with so much being done online and the increase in hackers. In this particul...

Synopsis: Television executive Frank Cross earned his position as president of IBC by being ambitious and ruthless. Now, two days before Christmas, he is set to make television history with a live, star-studded version of A Christmas Carol . However, his plans are soon disrupted when his deceased mentor visits him and concerned for Cross' future, arranges for the executive to meet three ghosts, putting Cross in danger of losing his job as he re-learns the spirit of Christmas. Who's in it?  The movie stars Bill Murray , Karen Allen , John Forsythe, Carol Kane and Bobcat Goldthwait. Review: I had some down time yesterday afternoon after running a bunch of errands yesterday morning and came across Scrooged on one of my movie sites. It had been a few years since I last watched the movie in its entirety, so I picked it. I wasn't disappointed with the decision. Without doing any real research, my guess is there are dozens of re-tellings of A Christmas Carol, including multiple...

Synopsis: Silent film actors Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander are best known for playing gunfighters known as the Three Amigos on the big screen. When they demand more money, they are instead fired by the studio but think they are catching a big break when they receive a telegram asking them to travel to a small Mexican to put on a private performance. When they arrive, however, they discover the village believes the Three Amigos are real and they have been summoned to fight a real-life gang of outlaws led by the vicious El Guapo. Who's in it? The movie stars Steve Martin , Chevy Chase , Martin Short, Alfonso Arau, Kai Wulff and Jon Lovitz. Review: My day job (AKA, how I pay my bills) requires me to use all my vacation time each year and I was home this afternoon as a result of that. I had some things planned for my free time but forgot about most of them when I came across Three Amigos! What can I say, I love this movie and re-watching it for the umpteenth time did...

Synopsis: A bitter miser, Ebenezer Scrooge, sees Christmas as nothing more than a "humbug" and makes sure everyone around him knows that. However, the ghost of his former business partner arranges for the three Christmas spirits to visit Scrooge on Christmas Eve and force him to see why he is wrong. Who's in it? The movie stars George C. Scott, Frank Finlay , Angela Pleasence, David Warner and Edward Woodward. Review: It is way too cold outside today, cold enough to leave me a bit breathless just walking from my car to the grocery store. So, since the Green Bay Packers had a later game and I had the house to myself, I decided to re-watch this version of A Christmas Carol .  I've seen quite a few versions of this film, but this one is easily at the top of my list of favorites. I think part of the reason for this is Scott (despite not having a strong British accent) was very convincing as Ebenezer Scrooge. He had a strong presence in the film that was both believable ...

Synopsis: A Nazis ambush during World War II leaves an American Army squad dead except for Sarge, Mittens, Joey and a news reporter, Dolan. Trapped 10 miles behind enemy lines and lost because of misfunctioning compasses, the men try to find their way home before being captured and killed. However, they find a new complication. An alien spaceship has crashed in the area, and the Nazis are hunting for its survivors. Determined not to let that happen, Sarge and his crew work to prevent it despite being grossly outnumbered. Who's in it? The movie stars Tim Thomerson, Timothy Van Patten, Art LaFleur, Biff Manard and William Paulson. Review: As has happened way too often since I've gotten older, I went to bed intending to watch a certain movie this morning and woke up not remembering the title (I really need to start writing things down). As a result of that, I instead chose Zone Troopers , which has been in my library for a while. Overall, I have to say I liked it, though that o...

Synopsis: After being banished from his tribe, caveman Atouk sets off on his own, learns to walk upright, discovers fire and makes new friends, forming a new tribe. However, his desire for the beautiful Lana keeps putting him at odds with his former tribal leader, Tonda. Who's in it? The movie stars Ringo Starr, Dennis Quaid , Shelley Long, John Matuszak and Barbara Bach. Review: I was undecided about what movie to watch this morning so, since it had been a few years since I had last watched it, I decided to put Caveman on. The movie ended up being what I remembered it being - goofy and a bit dated but also entertaining. Atouk (Starr) is an interesting character, friendly and intelligent but also clearly in need of better priorities. His obsession with Lana (Bach) is something that both kept getting him in trouble and, at times, didn't exactly paint him in the best light, especially by today's standards. For example, his attempt at raping an unconscious Lana was played ...

Synopsis: Howard F. Howard grew up loving the Three Stooges and now, as an adult, his obsession has grown into something unhealthy, with him envisioning clips from their films everywhere he looks, costing him his job and putting his relationship with Beverly on the rocks. As he seeks help, he learns he isn't alone with his obsession and it is becoming an epidemic. Who's in it? The movies stars Josh Mostel , Melanie Chartoff, Sid Caesar, Victoria Jackson and the Three Stooges. Review: When I came across Stoogemania last night, my oldest daughter and I thought the same thing, it would just be a Three Stooges clip show. However, after not finding anything that was a must-watch film for this morning, I decided to give this movie a try. As it turns out, it wasn't quite the clip show I was expecting it to be, but I'm not convinced that was a good thing. I'll give the movie some props, it is certainly unique. Howard's (Mostel) obsession puts him in some interesting...

Synopsis:  Lake Havasu City, Arizona's biggest tourist attraction is the re-built original London Bridge. After the final missing stone is discovered in the Thames River, the city plans a big celebration. However, the replaced stone has an unattended consequence, the return of Jack the Ripper. Unfortunately, when Jack's first victim is found, nobody wants to believe the detective in charge of the investigation, Don Gregory, when he suspects it wasn't just a random one-time murder. The movie also goes by the title Bridge Across Time. Who's in it? The movie stars David Hasselhoff , Stepfanie Kramer, Adrienne Barbeau, Paul Rossilli and Randolph Mantooth. Review: My search for a classic monster movie has entered overtime since none of the films I've come across have intrigued me enough to watch. As a result, I ended up going a different route with Terror at London Bridge , figuring a made-for-TV slasher movie starring David Hasselhoff would at least be good for a few ...

Synopsis: New Yorkers Skip Donahue and Harry Monroe are wrongfully accused and convicted of a bank robbery in Arizona. When the warden discovers Skip has a natural talent for riding bulls, the two friends and some of their fellow inmates come up with a plan to escape during the prison's upcoming rodeo. Who's in it?  The movie stars Gene Wilder , Richard Pryor , JoBeth Williams , Craig T. Nelson , Barry Corbin and Erland van Lidth. You can read my review here:  Movie Review: Stir Crazy (1980) ___________________________________________________________ Here are some reviews of other 1980s comedies: Movie Review: Airplane II: The Sequel (1982) Movie Review: Teen Wolf (1985) Movie Review: Clue (1985) Movie Review: Back to School (1986)

Synopsis: A passenger cruise ship under the command of soon-to-be-retired Captain Ashland is on the final leg of its journey when it is rammed by a mystery ship and sinks, leaving only an unconscious Ashland and eight others alive. They believe they are rescued when they come across a freighter but soon learn the ship, German and dating back to World War II, is deserted. Not long after, their lives are put in danger as the ship seems to be actively trying to kill them. To make matters worse, Ashland regains consciousness and seems to be under the ship's control. Who's in it? The movie stars George Kennedy, Richard Crenna , Kate Reid, Nick Mancuso and Victoria Burgoyne. Review: My wife looked for a movie to watch yesterday evening while I cooked dinner on the grill. She was still trying to make up her mind by the time I was done and, since Death Ship looked somewhat interesting, we decided to just give it a try. While not the worst horror movie I've watched, it did kind ...

Synopsis: A group of six strangers are summoned to a remote mansion for a dinner party and learn their host, Mr. Boddy, has been the person blackmailing them. When the lights are turned off, Mr. Boddy is murdered and soon after, the cook is found dead as well. As the night progresses, more bodies begin to accumulate and the group, with the help of the butler, Wadsworth, must figure out who the killer is. Who's in it? The movie stars Eileen Brennan , Tim Curry , Martin Mull , Madeline Kahn , Christopher Lloyd , Michael McKean , Lesley Ann Warren and Colleen Camp . Review: I think I have seen the movie Clue at least 30 times now yet, when I happened to come across it this morning, I figured "what the heck" and decided to watch it again. My reaction to this comedy was the same as it was every other time, it's a movie that just doesn't get old. There are a lot of movies out there that are based off games. Only a very few of them are good. This movie, which is bas...

Synopsis: High school track star Laura Ramstead dies unexpectedly from an embolism at a track meet two months before her graduation. A short while later, Coach George Michaels is accused of pushing her too hard and loses his job. As the remaining seniors on the track team prepare to get their diplomas, they are suddenly stalked by a killer wearing a fencing uniform and carrying a stopwatch. Who's in it? The movie stars Christopher George , Patch Mackenzie , Virgil Frye , E. Danny Murphy , Vanna White and E. J. Peaker. Review: I was in the mood for an 80s slasher movie and convinced my wife to let me pick one out on Amazon Prime. Graduation Day was one of the first ones to pop up and since it was a film I had heard about but had never seen, we gave it a try. Based on the movie genre, I had lowered expectations, but the film even failed to reach that bar. The movie's premise was very basic which, for this type of movie, isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, a basic prem...