Steven Helmer Publications

  The squirrels need to go on a diet It sounds strange, but it’s true. The broken tree limb laying in my back yard proves it. The divots from the previous ones too. Perhaps they are having too many walnuts. Or are spending too much time at my bird feeders. They may get plenty of exercise But they sure are eaters. Today it was a large branch. Two weeks ago, it was literally half a tree. They may not look like they are getting chunky, But they must be carrying weight the naked eye can’t see. I’ll admit that there may be other explanations. Too much rain, too much wind, maybe ants or termites. It could even just be gravity Bringing the branches down both day and night. I’m not convinced though, Especially when those branches come down and aren’t quiet. The explanation, to me at least, seems clear. The squirrels need to go on a diet. ______________________________________________________________________________ Here are some of my other poems: The Night the Wisconsin Badger Tapped Out ...

Image by Christian_Crowd from Pixabay I sneak up on my next victim He (or is it she?) doesn't know I'm there. To some, the item I am holding is just a fly swatter. In my hands, however, it is a weapon with no mercy to spare. I hesitate only briefly. Just to make sure I am unseen. Then with a flick of my wrist, my victim is dead. I probably just imagined it, but I think it let out a little scream. It wasn't my first kill. It won't be my last. My victim's friends are flying around in a panic. They'll soon forget and more will meet the same fate, fast. My daughter tells me not to be so mean. I am choosing to ignore her advice. If they want to stay safe, they should stay outside. Once they trespass inside my home, they will pay a price. There are people who say they want to be a fly on the wall. Perhaps they'd feel differently if they saw the fate my flies were dealt. My message is clear, if you choose to land on a wall in MY house, You probably will be another...

 I'm trying to read an Agatha Christie mystery When my phone rings. It's pre-recorded message from a candidate Telling me what a vote for them will bring. It's only a matter of time before my mailbox Is filled with enough flyers to kill a forest full of trees. I guess it's getting to be that time again, The time when I become Mr. Popularity. I'm not the kind of guy who keeps his mouth shut. If I see something I don't like, I am quick to be argumentative. To date, I've written plenty but never received a reply. I guess I'm just not important enough to hear back from my representative. Things have changed though. I now hear from them with regularity. They care about me, at least for now, because they need my vote. Making me Mr. Popularity. _________________________________________________________________ Here are some of my other poems: The Night the Wisconsin Badger Tapped Out (A Poem) A Cat Dad (A Poem) Where the F*ck is My Phone? (A Poem) In the Way (A ...

 I am in the grocery store  Shopping for a family of four. It may just be my imagination,  But I felt poorer just walking through the door. My kids are texting me "what's for dinner?" They also have suggestions galore. I tell them we're having the same thing we have every night. Whatever I can afford. Image by Patrick Pascal Schauß from Pixabay Summer is around the corner And my vacation fund looks inadequate. I scrimped and saved every nickel I could, But with rising gas prices, it's always not enough yet. Maybe I'll have another staycation. Or settling for a day trip if the drive isn't too far. One thing is for certain, My vacation will be whatever I can afford. _______________________________________________________________________ If you liked this, you may like some of these: The Windows Are Open (A Poem) In the Way (A Poem) Where the F*ck is My Phone? (A Poem) Hard Road (A Poem)

 A dog is out there barking. Who the heck is already mowing their lawn? Do you really need to blare that horn? I'm sure they'll be out in a minute, for your planned liaison. It's warmed back up outside. Enough for me to take advantage. The windows are open, people. Please be quiet, if you can manage. Hey, your car has an engine, that's great. It doesn't mean you need to rev it. And why are you shouting at each other. You're two feet away, turn the volume down, dammit. I am sure you love that music you're blaring. Probably some top artist. But the windows are open, jerks. Please cease and desist. _________________________________________________________________________ Feel free to read some of my other poems: In the Way (A Poem) Like an Egg (A Poem) Drive at Night (A Poem) Missing the Sun (A Poem)

 It's payday today. Most of that check is already spent. Sometimes it leaves my account so fast,  I wonder just where it went. I wish I could have just spent it on the things I enjoy. Use it on something I want or just on a day of play. It's just wishful thinking though Because I have bills to pay. Where did it all go wrong? How did I become such a dolt? I could be enjoying life to its fullest. Instead, I am a responsible adult. People are always saying to me "Unwind a bit, come out and have some fun." Sure, that would be great But it's easier said than done. They're probably having a blast, A time that is fine. I, however, was up early for work today. I'll be lucky if I stay awake until nine. I'm sure they'll talk about me behind my back And throw in the occasional insult. There's not much I can do about it though, Because I'm a responsible adult. My last doctor appointment didn't go so great My blood pressure is high, and so is my str...

 I stepped on the scale last night. I didn't like what I saw. It doesn't matter if I diet and exercise That number just never seems to fall. If I were on the moon, of course That number wouldn't be close to being the same. So, it's clearly not my fault. Gravity is to blame. It was 5 a.m. this morning I needed to get ready for work, but the blankets had so much weight. I somehow made it to the living room sofa Only to have my fat a** hold me down and nearly make me late. I probably could have called in sick, But I'm just not the kind of person who plays the hooky game. So, here I am starting my day Even though I had gravity to blame. _________________________________________________________________ If you liked this, check out some of my poetry books:

  It's time to get up for work But I'm struggling to get out of bed. Everything on my body aches From my toes to my head. You would think I spent last night running a marathon Or going ten rounds in a ring and cage. Nope, it's none of that. It's just middle age. I thought, when I got older I would grow wiser and develop more class. Instead, it seems like everything I eat and drink Manages to give me gas. If I don't write it down, I'm sure to forget it. If I choose to sit on the floor, I need an escape plan. All because I am now a middle-aged man.  I won't say all of it is bad though. My gray hairs do sometimes get me senior discounts. AARP ads make a lot more sense And I can pay my bills while still having money left in my checking account. So, I guess it's just a matter of taking the good with the bad. Continue on with my life, just like a new chapter on a new page. There's no point in getting depressed over it. After all, it's just middle age. ...

  When it comes to Mountain Dew I can't start my day without one. And I can't stop myself from biting my nails Until they are gone. If it's not good for me, I apparently need to have it. So, why is it so hard for me To form a sleep habit. Image courtesy of Canva Late to bed And early to rise, Means I spend most of my days Fighting sleep-deprived eyes. It's no insomnia I don't need some sort of a tablet. I just need to find a way To form a sleep habit. Maybe I just need A little less TV at night. Cut back on the caffeine Or stop letting the news give me a daily fright. Maybe all I need  Is to improve my relationship with my bed. Tuck myself under the warm covers And attempt to form a sleep habit instead. ______________________________________________________ Here are some of my other poems: Drawing a Blank (A Poem) In the Way (A Poem) Hard Road (A Poem) Drive at Night (A Poem)

  Every day seems to bring A fresh new ache to my body. There's also no denying My eyesight is getting shoddy. It doesn't matter how much I sleep I always seem so tired. I guess I'll need to start facing the truth. My warranty is now expired. Image by  Dreamer21  from  Pixabay Fifty plus years of wear and tear Are taking their toll. I no longer need the weatherman I can tell from my joints if it is going to rain or be cold. My mind, I think At least remains as sharp as a tack. Though I will admit I sometimes forget this or that. Doctor appointments that were once just routine Now fill me with dread. Those annual test results tell an ugly picture. Reminding me to be grateful I'm not yet dead. It's just part of getting older,  I guess. I no longer can expect to feel perfect. I can only hope for something A bit less than my best. I'll continue to enjoy life as best as I can. Accept that from here on out, things might be a little more tough Because I've reached ...

  The holidays are just around the corner And I'm supposed to be the one spreading the Christmas spirit. Truth be told though, Most days, I'd rather just skip it. It's the time of year that should be magical. When we should be thankful for the things with which we are blessed. It's just very hard to do that When all you feel is stressed. I do remember a time when it was joyful. A time when I looked forward to the holidays without pause. That, however, was a time When I wasn't Santa Claus. Image courtesy of Pixabay Sure, I'll admit it, I may look the part With the gray in my beard and, of course, the round gut. However, while the real Santa has help from his elves I, alas, do not. Presents may not be the most important thing, but the tree does look empty without them. And while I don't like being considered a Scrooge or a Grinch I do have bills to pay. That means I have pennies that I need to pinch. I'm also not going to say there isn't still some mag...

  My brain is all befuddled. Every time I have a thought, it's pulled away with a yank. I want to be productive. I want to be creative. Instead, I'm drawing a blank. Image courtesy of Arya_W via Pixabay Maybe it's old age. Maybe it's stress. Who knows, it could be an old brain injury Coming back to haunt me by leaving my head all a mess. All I know is putting thoughts into actions or words Is becoming a bit like navigating through a China shop while driving a tank. No matter what the explanation is, My mind keeps drawing a blank. _________________________________________________ If you liked this, here are some of my other poems: Join the Circus (A Poem) Artificial Intelligence (A Poem) In the Way (A Poem) The Day Dad Made the House Dark (A Poem)

Image Courtesy of Pixabay   I remember a world where people were nicer. Or perhaps that’s just a flaw in my memory. A time when kids could go to school And we knew they’d be out of harm’s way. I could have sworn we once had liberty and happiness. Maybe it was just a dream. Could it have started out that way And we all just ran out of steam. All I know is, each day, I grow 24 hours wiser And I can see things not going as I was led to believe they were planned. The older I get The less I understand. Wasn’t there a time when our elected officials were heroes, And not just something in a comic book? When did we reach a point where So many of them are crooks? Did the change happen gradually? Did it sneak up on us, like a sudden cough? Or has it always been this way And the brainwashing is finally wearing off? All I know is, each minute, I grow 60 seconds wiser And the hope I had for the future grows less with each movement of the clock hand. T...

  Where the f*ck is my phone? Seriously, I'm walking around my house like some senile old geezer. Cussing under my breath as I check and recheck everywhere. I am beginning to wonder if maybe I left it in the freezer. I swear I'm not that old. So, why do I feel like I have as much memory as an IBM Commodore PC-5. As I keep looking for that damned phone, I even am beginning to wonder how I am still even alive. Image courtesy of Pixabay This is quite ridiculous. I'm on the young side of 50. It's not like I'm ready to be a senior home resident. Of course, the way this country is going lately, This also means I might just wake up to find I've been elected president. Maybe it's a sign I should just leave it where it is. Stop being so dependent on technology and instead focus on activities that will get my brain toned. Oh, who am I kidding? Where the f*ck is that phone. ________________________________ If you liked this poem, here are some others: In the Way (A Poe...

  Image by  Gerd Altmann  from  Pixabay We sit on the toilet With our phone in our hands. Laughing at memes And giving the fake news a scan. Decades’ worth of research and discovery Disputed in one headline Based on rumors, Along with a whole lot of lies. We repeat information given to us, Like parrots with no real facts. Creating a world full of misinformation That distracts and causes people to overreact. There’s no use in trying to debunk it Very few people care about the truth. Forget about documentation and science. It only matters if it fits perfectly in our own personal little booth. We have all the information in the world at our fingertips, Yet live in chaos, confusion and fretfulness. This is because instead common sense We rely on our artificial intelligence.  _____________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this poem, here are some others: A Father's Prayer for His Daught...

  Image courtesy of Pixabay I never made it as a professional musician My voice never got me all that far. Fortunately for me, there are plenty of places. That let me be a karaoke star. Some nights it’s Poison. Other nights, maybe a little Elvis. Occasionally I get cheers, or at least moderate applause. Most of the time though, the crowd is oblivious. I can’t dance and don’t try to. Heck, most of the time, I’m just happy the mic is working right. I’m just happy to be on stage During karaoke night. You won’t find my name on a T-shirt. If you’re waiting for that album to come out, it’ll be a while. But when I am singing I can assure you it is songs that haven’t gone out of style. Don’t worry, I gave up on becoming famous a long time ago. I won’t be selling out stadiums and can’t even say I’m the reason the people are at the bar. All I can claim to be is A karaoke star. ________________________________________________________________________ If yo...

  Image by  iirliinnaa  from  Pixabay   When did we stop being humans And turn into Trolls? When did it become the norm To be an a-hole. Is it really that hard to be nice Instead of constantly talking smack? Maybe life would be more enjoyable If we didn't feel like we were always under attack. Sometimes it seems ridiculous, Like the whole world has gone insane. Since it seems like just about everybody Is looking for a reason to complain. Maybe this is a crazy idea But perhaps there would be much more happiness If we tried to show some compassion and understanding Instead of focusing on our anger and bitterness.

  Why does food cost so much? Did they start making it out of gold? I have never been one to buy in excess But now I'm starting to feel a bit pigeonholed. Hey, I get it, times are tough And, if they have a reason to raise prices, I shouldn't judge it. I just wonder if these people know I am shopping on a budget.                                                             Image by  Steve Buissinne  from  Pixabay Believe me, I've checked, Money doesn't grow on trees. If it did, maybe the sight of my weekly grocery receipts Wouldn't bring me to my knees. Beef, pork, poultry or fish, Why should my stomach be forced to choose just one? When you're on a budget, Shopping just isn't that much fun. Keeping track of the higher prices Is making me consider bringing a calculator Just so I can avoid the...