Steven Helmer Publications

  The squirrels need to go on a diet It sounds strange, but it’s true. The broken tree limb laying in my back yard proves it. The divots from the previous ones too. Perhaps they are having too many walnuts. Or are spending too much time at my bird feeders. They may get plenty of exercise But they sure are eaters. Today it was a large branch. Two weeks ago, it was literally half a tree. They may not look like they are getting chunky, But they must be carrying weight the naked eye can’t see. I’ll admit that there may be other explanations. Too much rain, too much wind, maybe ants or termites. It could even just be gravity Bringing the branches down both day and night. I’m not convinced though, Especially when those branches come down and aren’t quiet. The explanation, to me at least, seems clear. The squirrels need to go on a diet. ______________________________________________________________________________ Here are some of my other poems: The Night the Wisconsin Badger Tapped Out ...

Image by Christian_Crowd from Pixabay I sneak up on my next victim He (or is it she?) doesn't know I'm there. To some, the item I am holding is just a fly swatter. In my hands, however, it is a weapon with no mercy to spare. I hesitate only briefly. Just to make sure I am unseen. Then with a flick of my wrist, my victim is dead. I probably just imagined it, but I think it let out a little scream. It wasn't my first kill. It won't be my last. My victim's friends are flying around in a panic. They'll soon forget and more will meet the same fate, fast. My daughter tells me not to be so mean. I am choosing to ignore her advice. If they want to stay safe, they should stay outside. Once they trespass inside my home, they will pay a price. There are people who say they want to be a fly on the wall. Perhaps they'd feel differently if they saw the fate my flies were dealt. My message is clear, if you choose to land on a wall in MY house, You probably will be another...

 I'm trying to read an Agatha Christie mystery When my phone rings. It's pre-recorded message from a candidate Telling me what a vote for them will bring. It's only a matter of time before my mailbox Is filled with enough flyers to kill a forest full of trees. I guess it's getting to be that time again, The time when I become Mr. Popularity. I'm not the kind of guy who keeps his mouth shut. If I see something I don't like, I am quick to be argumentative. To date, I've written plenty but never received a reply. I guess I'm just not important enough to hear back from my representative. Things have changed though. I now hear from them with regularity. They care about me, at least for now, because they need my vote. Making me Mr. Popularity. _________________________________________________________________ Here are some of my other poems: The Night the Wisconsin Badger Tapped Out (A Poem) A Cat Dad (A Poem) Where the F*ck is My Phone? (A Poem) In the Way (A ...

 I am in the grocery store  Shopping for a family of four. It may just be my imagination,  But I felt poorer just walking through the door. My kids are texting me "what's for dinner?" They also have suggestions galore. I tell them we're having the same thing we have every night. Whatever I can afford. Image by Patrick Pascal Schauß from Pixabay Summer is around the corner And my vacation fund looks inadequate. I scrimped and saved every nickel I could, But with rising gas prices, it's always not enough yet. Maybe I'll have another staycation. Or settling for a day trip if the drive isn't too far. One thing is for certain, My vacation will be whatever I can afford. _______________________________________________________________________ If you liked this, you may like some of these: The Windows Are Open (A Poem) In the Way (A Poem) Where the F*ck is My Phone? (A Poem) Hard Road (A Poem)

 A dog is out there barking. Who the heck is already mowing their lawn? Do you really need to blare that horn? I'm sure they'll be out in a minute, for your planned liaison. It's warmed back up outside. Enough for me to take advantage. The windows are open, people. Please be quiet, if you can manage. Hey, your car has an engine, that's great. It doesn't mean you need to rev it. And why are you shouting at each other. You're two feet away, turn the volume down, dammit. I am sure you love that music you're blaring. Probably some top artist. But the windows are open, jerks. Please cease and desist. _________________________________________________________________________ Feel free to read some of my other poems: In the Way (A Poem) Like an Egg (A Poem) Drive at Night (A Poem) Missing the Sun (A Poem)

 It's payday today. Most of that check is already spent. Sometimes it leaves my account so fast,  I wonder just where it went. I wish I could have just spent it on the things I enjoy. Use it on something I want or just on a day of play. It's just wishful thinking though Because I have bills to pay. Where did it all go wrong? How did I become such a dolt? I could be enjoying life to its fullest. Instead, I am a responsible adult. People are always saying to me "Unwind a bit, come out and have some fun." Sure, that would be great But it's easier said than done. They're probably having a blast, A time that is fine. I, however, was up early for work today. I'll be lucky if I stay awake until nine. I'm sure they'll talk about me behind my back And throw in the occasional insult. There's not much I can do about it though, Because I'm a responsible adult. My last doctor appointment didn't go so great My blood pressure is high, and so is my str...

 What is this crap Falling from the sky? It was almost 70 on Monday Now I'm being pelted with white flakes and need a reason why. Isn't Old Man Winter  Content with taking an early break? Spring is just days away And I have fun plans at stake. Look, this crap may have been majestic Earlier in the winter. Seeing it now, with the grass already turning green Is as painful as a jagged splinter. I'm not saying I wasn't expecting it There's a reason why my shovel and blower are still at the ready. But it doesn't mean this crap needs to fall down And, from the looks of it, it's falling down steady. It's the kind of thing that has me craving a warmer climate. Before long, I might even pull out a map. In the meantime, however, What is this crap? ______________________________________________________________________ If you liked this, check out one of my poetry books:

 I stepped on the scale last night. I didn't like what I saw. It doesn't matter if I diet and exercise That number just never seems to fall. If I were on the moon, of course That number wouldn't be close to being the same. So, it's clearly not my fault. Gravity is to blame. It was 5 a.m. this morning I needed to get ready for work, but the blankets had so much weight. I somehow made it to the living room sofa Only to have my fat a** hold me down and nearly make me late. I probably could have called in sick, But I'm just not the kind of person who plays the hooky game. So, here I am starting my day Even though I had gravity to blame. _________________________________________________________________ If you liked this, check out some of my poetry books:

Just taking a few minutes for some shameless promotion: Valentine's Day is just around the corner and Love Poems for My Wife is still available at Amazon, usually getting a sales boost around this time of year. You can purchase it here:  Amazon.com: Love Poems for My Wife . The book is available both in print form and as an eBook. There is a companion book to this as well A Messy House is a Home is also available if you're looking for a set rather than just one book. You can purchase that one here:  Amazon.com: A Messy House is a Home .

 Old Man Winter stood in his corner. His face had an evil grin. He was full of confidence Because he was expecting another win. "Not so fast," the crowd seemed to be saying. "We have a hunch, Your opponent, the Wisconsin Badger, won't fall so easily. Cause those Wisconsin folk are a hearty bunch." The fans did not know That, tonight, they would have no reason to cheer and shout. Because tonight was the night Even the Wisconsin Badger would tap out. The Wisconsin Badger stood firm Through Old Man Winter's first brutal assault. And, for a brief moment, he appeared to have an upper hand. Then his momentum came to a sudden halt. Old Man Winter held him tight In his ice-cold grasp. All the Wisconsin Badger could do Was fight for air with each and every troubled gasp. Old Man Winter then began pounding the Wisconsin Badger With his icy fists of snow. In no time at all, the Wisconsin Badger Was stuck in a corner with no place to go. As Old Man Winter's brutal a...

  It's time to get up for work But I'm struggling to get out of bed. Everything on my body aches From my toes to my head. You would think I spent last night running a marathon Or going ten rounds in a ring and cage. Nope, it's none of that. It's just middle age. I thought, when I got older I would grow wiser and develop more class. Instead, it seems like everything I eat and drink Manages to give me gas. If I don't write it down, I'm sure to forget it. If I choose to sit on the floor, I need an escape plan. All because I am now a middle-aged man.  I won't say all of it is bad though. My gray hairs do sometimes get me senior discounts. AARP ads make a lot more sense And I can pay my bills while still having money left in my checking account. So, I guess it's just a matter of taking the good with the bad. Continue on with my life, just like a new chapter on a new page. There's no point in getting depressed over it. After all, it's just middle age. ...

  When it comes to Mountain Dew I can't start my day without one. And I can't stop myself from biting my nails Until they are gone. If it's not good for me, I apparently need to have it. So, why is it so hard for me To form a sleep habit. Image courtesy of Canva Late to bed And early to rise, Means I spend most of my days Fighting sleep-deprived eyes. It's no insomnia I don't need some sort of a tablet. I just need to find a way To form a sleep habit. Maybe I just need A little less TV at night. Cut back on the caffeine Or stop letting the news give me a daily fright. Maybe all I need  Is to improve my relationship with my bed. Tuck myself under the warm covers And attempt to form a sleep habit instead. ______________________________________________________ Here are some of my other poems: Drawing a Blank (A Poem) In the Way (A Poem) Hard Road (A Poem) Drive at Night (A Poem)

  The holidays are over. The decorations are all taken down. So please tell me why is there still snow on the ground? The thought of driving to work on icy roads Monday Pains me like a deep, sharp splinter. What do you mean, it's still winter? Image by  Couleur  from  Pixabay Yes, I can see a calendar And no, I'm not insane. Is it really too much to ask For even a hint of an early spring? The cold is less tolerable without that holiday magic. Chilling me to the bone, freezing my cheeks. And all I have to look forward to  Is it being still winter for at least several more weeks. __________________________________________________________________ Here are some of my other poems: Raising Daughters (A Poem) Dishes (A Poem) Missing the Sun (A Poem) The Day Dad Made the House Dark (A Poem)

  Every day seems to bring A fresh new ache to my body. There's also no denying My eyesight is getting shoddy. It doesn't matter how much I sleep I always seem so tired. I guess I'll need to start facing the truth. My warranty is now expired. Image by  Dreamer21  from  Pixabay Fifty plus years of wear and tear Are taking their toll. I no longer need the weatherman I can tell from my joints if it is going to rain or be cold. My mind, I think At least remains as sharp as a tack. Though I will admit I sometimes forget this or that. Doctor appointments that were once just routine Now fill me with dread. Those annual test results tell an ugly picture. Reminding me to be grateful I'm not yet dead. It's just part of getting older,  I guess. I no longer can expect to feel perfect. I can only hope for something A bit less than my best. I'll continue to enjoy life as best as I can. Accept that from here on out, things might be a little more tough Because I've reached ...

  The holidays are just around the corner And I'm supposed to be the one spreading the Christmas spirit. Truth be told though, Most days, I'd rather just skip it. It's the time of year that should be magical. When we should be thankful for the things with which we are blessed. It's just very hard to do that When all you feel is stressed. I do remember a time when it was joyful. A time when I looked forward to the holidays without pause. That, however, was a time When I wasn't Santa Claus. Image courtesy of Pixabay Sure, I'll admit it, I may look the part With the gray in my beard and, of course, the round gut. However, while the real Santa has help from his elves I, alas, do not. Presents may not be the most important thing, but the tree does look empty without them. And while I don't like being considered a Scrooge or a Grinch I do have bills to pay. That means I have pennies that I need to pinch. I'm also not going to say there isn't still some mag...

  Image courtesy Pixabay He came in through the chimney, As he does every Christmas Eve. He carried a bag over his shoulder With more presents in it than you could believe. Santa was delivering his gifts For Violet and Rose. And, as he entered their living room He smiled as the smell of fresh cookies and milk entered his nose. His joyful spirit, And the goodwill he felt, Soon turned into surprised despair From the pain that filled his foot with a jolt. Who would have known With his boots so thick A single building block left on the floor Would still hurt like heck? As his eyes filled up with tears, He tried not to shout out loud. There was a family sleeping nearby  And loud noises simply were not allowed. As he hopped around though Santa slipped on a toy car and crashed into the tree. He then fell to the floor with a thud And skinned up his knee. He sat there stunned, Hoping he didn't wake the girls from their winter nap. And, as he scanned the dark room He realized he was tra...